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THE LONER

@thiskenyangirl

From the outside it's always hard to judge ones character...a beautiful smile and loving persona throws everyone off the scent....the hurt, the vulnerability...the disappointment and shame.

 

You'll never conform to what society wants you to be. You can try all you want...give blood,sweat and tears and still come out short. It will tear you apart, it will leave you feeling exposed and out of place. It will have you neglecting yourself to fit into this template they seem to have drawn for you. It's no lock and key model though...and there's different angles to the shape...but you must fit...they will have it no other way it's a fit or nothing. They want blood...and you must give it to them. Never mind the confusion you have already...the loss of self...the want to discover your passions...ain't no body giving you time for that. So what's left is to take it all. Take charge of your life...you've never been a straight arrow in the past...always a little bent...different from the rest but can still get the job done.

 

The inspiration slowly melts away from your life...and no one seems to notice...you realise that you have no one to help bring it back but yourself. You slowly find yourself drowning in your own thoughts...you've never felt as alone as you do at that particular moment. You've been uprooted from a world you knew...a world that seemed to feed your every need...a world that never held you down as you gasped for air. You are to start all over again...from scratch. In a world you still have no understanding of. You feel naked...you're exposed...feels like everyone's out to get you. Take advantage of your innocence and fragility. Slowly...it suffocates you, leaving your lifeless corpse out in the open...a feast for the vultures.

You suck at approaching people...new people...you keep to yourself most of the time because that's how you get through it all...one day at a time. You've convinced yourself that it's not depression...well, there might be bits and pieces of it felt when things don't go as expected...but in general you're the happiest person you know...well...at least in your head you are. It's all truly dependent on whatever direction the wind decides to blow really.

 

You scan your surroundings...looking for that opening...that slit of light that assures you that it's OK...it's alright to open up...you open your mouth to test the waters and even your voice sounds strange to you. You decide that maybe it's not time yet and wait a little longer...it's all happened before...you're not worried...you'll get it right eventually. Maybe they'll see how much you're struggling with it and they'll approach you...make it easy for you. You've always been that weird one...always the new one in town...always behind with the culture around....the one different from everyone else...language barriers and all...but it doesn't bother you much...you're accustomed to it all. You stand out because of your features...you at times wish you didn't but there's an upside to it all...means you're always seen....not forgotten and condemned to the depths of this world as you initially thought that brings your spirit back up a little.

 

You place your existence and belief upon a higher being and ask for guidance. The strength to know the difference between what's to be done and what they want you to do. The ability to stay content with whatever decisions you make and brace yourself for anything. If you fall...understand that it's the choices you made...dust yourself off and try again....and again...and again. Refusing to give up on yourself...until you finally get it right. Those who chose to stay in your life are forever welcome. Those who don't can kindly step off and continue on with theirs...it is after all every lion for himself out here. And there ain't nothing wrong with it.

 

Be content with yourself for there is no other like you that walks this planet. What you dream you can make possible all it takes is determination, effort and the necessary belief to go along with it. Acknowledge that people are only trying to help...but be the judge of how important what they do is. Own your thoughts, your life and you will forever be at peace with yourself and your surroundings. Until you make something of yourself...take pride in your existence...stay humble and live on with no limits.

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